You all OWE me for sitting through this shitpile.

and yes, there are spoilers, get the fuck over it.





Jesus fucking Christ. That was the longest two hours I've ever spent having to sit through the equivalent of watching a dog poo in slow motion.

So, Twilight comes out tomorrow on Dvd and BluRay, and I am here to tell you, please god, do not waste your money just to watch the thoughts of a lonely, possibly fat, girl from a small town expressing that the only reason the most popular guy in high school didn't like her is because he had to be a vampire... not because ya know... she's disgusting and from FORKS WAHINGTON.

Let me tell you all something about Forks, Washington. I grew up in the town next to it, in Port Angeles(which also makes an apperence in the film) and the way it has been protrayed in this film, is NOTHING like the actual place.

The father of Bella in the film was about the closest thing to someone resembling someone from Forks, Washington(just need some more mullet and incest).

Here's what Bella would actually look like driven in a fantasy world of vampires:

(actual photo of a Forks resident)

...and Edward?

Well... a flannel and a fucking rat tail. Omg wouldn't it be so fucking funny if he had one? GOD. "Let's go for a Vampire ride on my back and I can feel the wind flowing through my rat tail as it brushes into your face." HOT. He'd probably wear sneakers and sweat pants and always smelled like pee.

He's probably always have dirt on his face.

The reality of it is, Forks is a place of flannels, Rainer beer(which they did seem to get that right in the film) driving shitty cars with confederate flags...



and there ARE NO ASIANS OR BLACKS.

I'm not racist, the city of Forks is, don't believe me? Visit there with a person of "color" and see how well you get treated.

I dated a guy once, and he had moved to my city and every time I asked him where he was from, he'd dodge the question.... eventually he told me he was from Forks. You know what I did?

I dumped him.





So.... trying to get past the fact that they tried to glamour up a hick town (and btw, every year Forks has prom in a barn. No I am not fucking kidding.), I continued to watch the film...

Both of these actors have the same acting range as Keanu Reeves.
In fact, if Keanu played as Edward and opposite himself in a wig as Bella, I guarantee this film would kick a lot more ass. HAHAHA

I quickly found numerous other problems. Such as, I am convinced the chick who played Bella(and wtf is up with her under bite.... it scared me), is a man. And I am also convinced that Edward likes it when she puts it in his butt.



Let's go for a Vampire ride... awwwwww yeahhhhhh.


Another issue I can't seem to ignore, why is it that it constantly looks like EVERYONE in the film is jizzing in their pants?




The plot was weak... and instead of vampires burning in the sunlight, on really nice days they get glittery skin.... I fucking rolled when he was covered in glitter all serious like, "This is what I am, this is the skin of a killer" LAWLZ!!!!! Or the skin of someone FABULOUS!!!!


That's it, the big secret skin. HA.

"It's like diamonds!" BLING BLING MUTHAFUCKA.


God then some other gay ass vampire want to drink her blood or whatever and Edward is all "I have to protect you" because the writer probably thought that the reason guys never touched her growing up was because they were practicing "self control and respect" when in reality that bitch had crabs.

I dunno, the day is saved and he controls himself by not drinking all her blood or some shit. At this point I was just begging for the credits to roll.

I guess if you're a 13 yr old girl pushing 250 lbs and dreaming of vampires and renaissance fairs, this book/movie is totally for you. If you're not a moron, you'll know to stay as far away as possible from this crap.

Oh man I just threw up a little in my mouth.

Don't do it. Just don't. Save yourself.


Wanna watch a GOOD vampire flick? Check out,"Let The Right One In." Now THAT is a good movie.


-gAk-