Repo! The Genetic Opera

Now, this was a toughy for me.

Cheesy songs, PARIS HILTON... all the signs of a terrible movie...


but I loved it.

This is why I have somewhat of a difficult time seeing myself as a film critic, because... I love BAD movies.

I think it's this generation's Rocky Horror. It's weird, insane and completely entertaining. It also stars some brilliantly amazing people, such as Nivek Ogre, singer of Skinny Puppy(I'm a goth kid, what can I say?). He has always had such a delightful voice and seeing it in this film was wonderful, my only complain was he didn't get enough screen time and he should have had his own solo song. Also in the film, Bill Moseley. He is the best thing to happen to the horror genre in a really long time, I was lucky enough to meet him and discuss this film with him before it's released, and he did not disappoint!

and then... there is Paris Hilton. And you want to hate her, but she plays... pretty much herself. Obsessed with surgeries, wants to take over the family business and be a singer but is... unsuccessful. In fact, there is one point where she is twirling on stage, knocking shit over, and HER FACE FALLS OFF. I lost it, funniest thing I've seen since Tera Reid's stomach.

LOOK I got a screencap!


How could you not love that?

Storyline from IMDB, if you care:

"In the year 2056 - the not so distant future - an epidemic of organ failures devastates the planet. Out of the tragedy, a savior emerges: GeneCo, a biotech company that offers organ transplants, for a price. Those who miss their payments are scheduled for repossession and hunted by villainous Repo Men. In a world where surgery addicts are hooked on painkilling drugs and murder is sanctioned by law, a sheltered young girl searches for the cure to her own rare disease as well as information about her family's mysterious history. After being sucked into the haunting world of GeneCo, she is unable to turn back, as all of her questions will be answered at the wildly anticipated spectacular event: The Genetic Opera."

It was fun.


Amazon users who purchase "Repo!" also bought:


(all films listed above are good.)


-gAk-

John Tucker Must Die

You know, this is the first time I agree with a high school movie. John Tucker indeed, should die.... but so should EVERY OTHER CHARACTER in this film.

God I could feel my IQ lowering as I watched this movie, I felt like Simple Jack by the time I got near the end.

First off, can you PLEASE stop casting people in their late 20's/early 30's to play high school student? I am having a hard time believing some of these "kids" are in high school when I can see winkles forming.


And the story? "Oh the most popular guy in school is a man whore LET'S GET EM GIRLS despite our complete cliche differences!" So... like... this like.. plan is like.. SO ORIGINAL.


and who saves the day? OF COURSE, the underDOG. I emphasize on DOG for a reason. Jesus can you at least pick someone who looks female?

What's up with them having technology like the damn FBI in the film? Little cameras to attach to the bra? Is the government funding the downfall of John Tucker?

Why not just send him to Guantanamo Bay? I mean, obviously these girls got connections.

So.... this movie is supposed to be about 17/18 yr olds getting even with the high school man slut, but what really comes across is people desperately trying to remain young(they could only make it worse if they wore shirts like "You say 'Bitch' like it's a bad thing" or "Princess"), getting "even" with a guy from their "school" with completely unrealistic, IMPOSSIBLE ideas.

I hate Ashanti. I hate her so much I can't even say anything about her, because I won't stop.

Where was my bra cam with amazing video and sound when I was in 11th grade? Where was my slumber parties with the high school head cheerleader, the smart one.. and.. what was the last one? Just the slutty one? Well... sluttier. Because like... we connect over a guy like OMG. Where is my super awesome 18th birthday party where a thousand people show and I get two whores in a cake?

Oh that's right, that's not what happens in high school.

And John Tucker didn't even die. WTF?

on amazon.com, look at what the idiots are buying along with this piece of crap:


SUCK IT DRY 'JOHN TUCKER MUST DIE'




-gAk-

Lars And The Real Girl

Now before you get your crusty, skidmarked panties in a twist about Lars And The Real Girl being reviewed on a site called Movies That Can Suck It, let me explain. First off, fuck you, we'll review what we want here. Second, this movie did suck in one capacity: its a little harder to enjoy a movie when you're so concerned for the lead character. I almost cried. And I didn't even cry when my own child was born. So either I'm a callous bitch or this film was really fucking moving. Maybe a little of both.

However, despite that, the movie was enjoyable in many ways. Ryan Gosling stars as a young man whose emotionally traumatic upbringing has brought him to a breaking point. And boy, does his stress manifest in an unusual way. Lars becomes infatuated with a Real Doll, believing her to be a live human being, and leaving his brother and pregnant sister-in-law (the adorable Emily Mortimer) completely bewildered and helpless. In desperation, they turn to a group of town elders, and Lar's friends and acquaintances (including a love interest) rally around him to see him through his delusion. While the extensive lengths they go through to accommodate Lars (and his plastic friend Bianca) seem dubious at times, the gestures are undeniably heart warming. You can't help but wish you had people to go to bat for you like Lar's family and friends do for him. After some sneaky therapy sessions (just watch, you'll understand) and an emotional scene between Lars and his brother, our troubled hero comes to have the emotional breakthrough needed to break out of his shell. While the ending is left open to question, you can't help but feel its at least going in the right direction.

You may find it distracting (as I did) to watch Patricia Clarkson play such a empathetic doctor after seeing her as the murderous headmaster in The Woods. Other than that, the casting was brilliant. Emily Mortimer is so likeable that you are immediately drawn into caring as much about Lars as she does. To watch her cope with Lar's mental health and her husband's guilt issues is one the most fascinating and endearing parts of the movie.

I highly recommend.

A Few Words About History Of Violence

OK so I finally got this movie last night after letting it sit on my dusty IKEA TV stand since late October. That's right. Late October. Thank Ceiling Human for Netflix.

Oh, boy. Part of me wishes I'd gotten to it right away, so the memory would be long forgotten. The other part of me rejoices in that I have such a delightful steaming turd of a movie to review for this site. On a side note, when I typed the word "turd", I noticed that the spelling "terd" triggers my spellcheck on Firefox. So, the official spelling of the word turd is definitely a "u". You should log that valuable tidbit away for later.

Now, to the heart of the movie. Viggo Mortenson stars as an infuriatingly calm small town man, who seems to be harboring a deeply violent past as a mob hitman. Sounds promising, doesn't it? Unfortunately, the film never strays far from this concept. The pacing flectuates wildly, making the plot unpredictable, but in a bad way. It keeps us guessing, but only as to the absurd angle they are going to dart towards next. The character motivations are incredibly confusing, and a sex scene that basically amounts to soft core rape porn pushes all boundaries of decency, even more than the autopsy-like closeups of gorey bullet wounds and pools of blood. (A better title for this movie would have been "for those who like violence".) The wife of our conflicted hero (played by Maria Bello) continually confuses and disturbs as she wanders at random between victim and enabler. Both of the sex scenes seem pointless and lengthy, and, like the gratuitous violence itself, used to pad out otherwise plotless movie. And don't even get me started on the mob boss who seems to have Down's Syndrome and allows Tom to single handedly take down every mob goon in existance. Yeah.

There's violence done well, and then there's violence done as an attempt to cover your ass when you don't have anything better. Its obvious which category this movie falls in to.

On a scale of one to ten, I rate this movie negative steaming pile of dog shit. Its a shame too, 'cause Viggo's face is so damn bootiful. Save your money and time and rent a real gangster movie. Goodfellas will do.

Amazon users who bought History Of Violence also bought:

Val Kilmer, please kill yourself

Batman Forever


Plastic nipples on the outside of their suits.

PLASTIC.


NIPPLE DECORATION.


Honestly, I tried sitting through this movie last night to do a detailed review, and I just could NOT sit through it. It's just so fucking BAD.




Here's what people on Amazon.com are buying along with their beloved copy of Batman Forever:



I don't think I need to say anything else.



-gAk-

Movies That Can Blow Me from 2008.

The following films suck so bad they don't even get a few review to themselves.


These are mostly just my thoughts.





Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of The Crystal Skull

Because you know Harrison Ford is so amazing he can survive a nuclear blast in a fucking refrigerator. Not to Mention Shia LeBeouf is in it, oh JOY. (Seriously will someone put that kid's head on a stick already? It's like, when I can't hate a movie enough, they say "Oh I know how to make this movie more annoying, lets hire that stupid prick from Even Stevens!!")





Wanted

Yeah, because bullets can so do that.

Proof that you put that woman in ANY movie people will fucking watch it. Example: Life or Something Like It, and Mr. & Mrs. Smith (fucking stupid movie.)




Hellboy II - The Golden Army

It's like a bad porn. A slow build up to a weak cum shot. You wait and wait for this Golden Army, which takes centuries to get to, and then when they get to it, it isn't even badass. It's fucking lame.




Cloverfield

I have to admit, I loved this movie at first, the beginning was a bit slow, but I can see why they did it. So I'm watching it, and liking it a lot, then, they get in the helicopter, and the monster attacks it and i think "SHIT YEAH AWESOME ENDING!" Then I realize, it's not the ending.

They survive the crash............ because THAT'S possible... and then for the rest of the film I feel like I'm being punched in slow motion.

I say, watch the movie, but after the helicopter scene, just turn it off.




The Happening

And I thought Signs was bad. Are you fucking kidding me? Wind that makes you commit suicide? At one point they are running... from the wind. Wind isn't scary M. Night.

At least I got a good lol.




The Strangers

Had potenial. When it got to the end, I got really annoyed, at least be a little enthusiatic when you kill them. They seemed bored. I'm sorry, but if I were them, and watching Liv Tyler and Scott Speedman be all mushy and crap, I'd start stabbing like crazy. Laughing the whole time. I'd just want to shut them up and play with their blood.





The Eye, Mirrors, Quarentine and any other foreign film remake.

Just stop.





Special shout out to The Uninvited for 2009, I fucking hate you. I haven't seen it, and I doubt I'll bother seeing it as it's a remake of one of my favorite Korean films, A Tale of Two Sisters. You're on the "Suck It" list regardless if I have watched you or not. You're an Asian remake, of course you'll suck. I've only seen a preview of the film and I can already tell that they've completely fucked up the storyline... and... Elizabeth Banks.... SERIOUSLY? How is anyone supposed to take this film seriously when most people will remember her pleasuring herself with a shower head in the 40 Year Old Virgin.





A full review coming soon, if you don't like it... get the fuck over it, I have a life.