My Initial Impression Of The Ugly Truth

No, I haven't seen it, but sometimes the movie poster is all you need to know. There doesn't seem to be a tagline on any of the posters for this *cough* film, but if I wrote one, it'd say "He thinks with his dick. She thinks with her heart. Let the sexual hijinks ensue!"

Mamma Mia!

I'm watching Mamma Mia right now. A few thoughts:

First off, I'm glad I didn't drag my friends to this film. I had amazing success cuckolding unsuspecting males into seeing the Sex and the City movie, and I was going to attempt said success again with MM. Looking back, I'm so glad I didn't. The only justifiable payback for putting a male-type through this movie is anal sex.

Second, I'm struggling to remember why I liked musicals so much as a kid. I suspect it has something to do with, um...that's all I was allowed by my fundamentalist parents to watch. Singing In The Rain, despite its themes of sabotage and Hollywood intrigue, was deemed suitable. Simpsons was not. I have a feeling I would have been absorbing South Park and Jackass had I been allowed, but as it was, this is the shite I had to put up with regularly.

But as I'm watching this I'm reminded of how embarrassing it is to watch musical numbers on the screen. Admit it. Its downright embarrassing.

There was actually a musical number with, inexplicably, a mariner playing the piano on the dock while throngs of middle aged women played air guitar.

Pierce Brosnan sounds vaguely like Borat when he sings. Nice.

Anyway, I'm sure this is decent enough. I'm just not entirely willing to find out. I was sure I'd worship this movie forever and own a copy and make mental love to it by watching it over and over and over but as it is...I just want to cry for every single person who signed up for it. Instead of replacing my dildo with it, I just want to use it as a clay pigeon during shooting practice.

Bruno can suck it....

...but you know he'd just love it TOO MUCH. Har Har.




I won't lie. I absolutely loved this film.

It was beyond hilarious.


It was shocking of course, more shocking the Borat even. I was so very uncomfortable for most of this movie... so you KNOW it's good.

The funny thing is, it's passed off as brainless humor just meant to shock, but in reality, it's actually fucking brilliant. It achieves the same thing as Borat, making people look like fucking idiots. Just instead of foreigners, it's with gays. But letting people's own words make them sound so foolish is just... priceless.

Homophobes are just too fucking hilarious.

There was an overall feeling of "We gotta top Borat" to the film, but it was achieved... greatly.

For 100% of the film, I was entertained. I loved how after 10 minutes people were already walking out. I work at the theatre and warned people of the severity of the film and they still took their children inside... only to RUN out 15 minutes later. We've done more refunds for this movie then any other one I've seen so far.



When people run from a film, you know it's awesome.

So... Sascha, I love you, I really do. Good job you win.

If Movie Posters Were Honest Pt. 2-- My Best Friend's Wedding

My impression of the movie can be summed up thusly. Click here for part one.

If Movie Posters Were Honest Pt 1: He's Just Not That Into You

Just whipped this up, click to enlarge. (If used, credit Movies That Can Suck It.)

DRAG ME TO HELL

SAM RAIMI, HOW I MISSED YOU.

Fuck Spiderman.



This is where you rightfully belong.




This movie had the ability to scare the shit out of me and yet make me overjoyed at the same time. I can't believe it's pg13, I think the rating system is changing.


FUCKING AWESOME.

that is all.


NEXT MOVIE: MONSTERS VS. ALIENS

-gak-

My big fuckin' movie dump

Sorry I'm busy like... all the time.

But no worries, I am here to fill your bad movie needs.

Since it's been a while I've decided to review a few movies today that I have recently seen.

We'll start with Terminator Salvation



Now... I have a lot of mixed feelings about this film. It was better then Judgment Day for fucking sure, (is it me or did Nick Stahl just play the most pussy ass version of John Connor?) but it also is in this completely different category then the other films.

So lets start with the good shall we? (since I always love to save the best bits for last)

I was concerned when I heard they would have a young Kyle Reese, I mean I knew if they were to make more then the first three it was unavoidable... but he seemed to be just one of the really special characters from the original. He was probably my favorite, and I did not know who would be able to fill those shoes and actually not piss me off.... but holy crap, where did Anton Yelchin come from? Not only was I impressed, I ended up loving the character even MORE then I originally did.

I have seen the kid before, in Alpha Dog and Charlie Bartlett. I remember watching his final scene in Alpha Dog and thinking about how good of a actor he was and hoping I'd see him again in the future. And god damn it, thanks for not letting me down Anton!!! I look forward to finally watching Star Trek(I am such a procrastinator lol) because of this kid. I didn't even want to see it before.

Ok moving on, the terminators were badass. I even enjoyed the cg Arnold, it was only right they put him in there anyway.

I have to admit I chuckled when they made the bad terminator "I'll be back" joke.

I think Christian Bale did a good job even though he really wasn't in the film as much as I assumed he would be. (Some found a lot of issues with it, but I rather liked how they did that)

I love that Helena Boham Carter just showed up as the weird character as she does so often and SO fucking well.

Umm.... I understood why they did it the way they did, and the action sequences were a lot of fun.

Um... yeah I think that's it.

Now... onto the good stuff.

COMMON.





WHAT.

I have no real words. SO instead I am going to post a letter to Hollywood. A letter by my dear friend James.

"Dear Hollywood,

I will gladly pay you $12 to see musician Common brutally massacred in the next Terminator installment.

Please have him succumb to one of the following fates:

• Evisceration
• Draw and quartering
• Ground into paste
• Gutted like a fish
• Ripped in half
• Spine extraction through the stomach
• Multiple pulverizations starting at the feet and working upward
• Slow-motion Steamroll
• Terminator high five head clap
• All of the above (be creative)


Please do not use one of the following copout pieces of trash:

• Heart punch
• Thrown into metal wall multiple times
• Stepped on
• Shot
• Accidental dismemberment
• Accidental retardation
• Swine flu
• Radiation poisoning
• Cancer
• Electrocution

If by chance you cannot come up with a suitable way to pull off one of the aforementioned acceptable deaths, please consider creating a new breed of terminator dedicated to each death, and film a clip of all to be voted on by you’re viewing public.

Also, just an instant before his much anticipated demise, please include a cut off version of his catchphrase, “It’s beautiful”. A perfect execution of an acceptable death mid phrase is absolutely critical and must be viewed from several angles simultaneously in order to ensure that we, the viewing public, can be sure the character has been fired from life and the franchise forever."

James has spoken.

My biggest problem was Common.

That and I hate how it got you all pumped with action and then after that it was like.. non stop talking.


COMMON

I hated how Sam Worthington's character I kept mistaking for a professional wrestler the entire movie which made me forget what was going on.

COMMON

I hated that every time Christian Bale screamed all I could think of was his leaked freakout rant.

WHAT DON'T YOU FUCKING UNDERSTAND??? NO NO FUCK NO!"

Although I should be thankful, he at lease didn't do the Batman voice. Damn that voice is irritating. (Don't hate Batman lovers, I am a big fan of the comics and the films. I just find it funny when he talks like that no matter who it's to... even if it's Lucius or something who knows he is Bruce Wayne. Example: scene in TDK with the sonar screens... seriously wtf? He's just too into character I guess? Moving on.... another post for another day.)

I like how they at least got something done in the film, even though I am confused as to why there are so few machines at the final destination... seeing as it's a facility dedicated to building them. But I knew the entire battle could not be won in one movie, so I am glad they god something done. I just think if John Connor and Kyle Reese are there they should probably send more then one machine to each person...

I thought the ended was a little homo.... "Everyone deserves a second chance" Oh.. blah shut up. I'm surprised John Connor and Marcus didn't hold hands before surgery, and cried.

GAY

COMMON.

Why do the terminators have teeth? I mean really... it just seems unnecessary.... as do a lot of things in this movie.

LIKE COMMON.


Ugh.


Overall I'd say I did like the movie. I'd change some things but whatever.

Oh and make is rated R next time, I wanna hear some f-bombs.



Next post: DRAG ME TO HELL

-gAk-