Dragonball Evolution

"The legend comes to life"

THEN THEY FUCKING KILLED IT!!!







Ok, so I decided since I've been on a Dragonball/DBZ/DBGT kick for the past few weeks, I'd check out this film. I've been a HUGE fan of the manga and anime since I was a kid.

Now, I went in with somewhat low expectations.

But... dear fucking god, it was even worse then I expected!

Ok, so to start, the things I didn't hate(since it's a very short list).

Piccolo's voice was pretty much spot on, and he looked somewhat like I imagined a real life version of him would look.
Yamcha's voice, also SPOT ON.

uhhh....
Goku seemed like Goku in two short parts of the film, once where he is stuffing his face(as he tends to do in the series) and then when he is taunting some kids fighting him.

Master Roshi was still kinda the pervy Master Roshi we all know.

That's... it.



The rest made me so angry I don't even know where to begin.
Bulma was a "badass" WHAT THE FUCK. Bulma is supposed to bitch and moan the whole time. She's not badass, she's supposed to be annoying. She doesn't fight, she screams and runs.
Yamcha is supposed to be afraid of girls... not smooth... and not... blonde.
Who the FUCK is that chick supposed to be with Piccolo?
There is virtually no action and when there is it's like the director REALLLLLLY wanted to be Zack Snyder and failed terribly.
Goku does not meet Chi Chi in high school and WTF why is she so nice?! Where is the stubborn Chi Chi we all know and love?!?!?
Did these people who made the film even attempt to read the manga or watch the series?!
HOW does Goku transform without his tail.
Why does Piccolo have control over him when he transforms?
Why does he transform at an eclipse and not a full moon?
why do the dragonballs show him the future?
Why is this movie only an hour and 20 minutes? You know what that is in DB time? Shit if it were realistic, they'd be powering up the whole time.
Why does Goku and his grandfather Gohan know about the Nameks? And why are they all concidered evil? Piccolo and Kami don't find out who they are and where they come from until the Vegeta saga in Z, and Nameks are peaceful!!!!!!


There is no character development.
What the fuck happens to Piccolo.
THE DRAGON IS SUPPOSED TO FILL UP THE SKY, MAKE IT GO BLACK, AND BE FUCKING BADASS.
Not this dinky little lame ass thing.








There'smore.


A lot more.

But fuck it. I'm done, I just wanna wash my brain out with some bleach.





In fact, I'd rather stare at this for an hour and 20 minutes:



-gAk-

John Tucker Must Die

You know, this is the first time I agree with a high school movie. John Tucker indeed, should die.... but so should EVERY OTHER CHARACTER in this film.

God I could feel my IQ lowering as I watched this movie, I felt like Simple Jack by the time I got near the end.

First off, can you PLEASE stop casting people in their late 20's/early 30's to play high school student? I am having a hard time believing some of these "kids" are in high school when I can see winkles forming.


And the story? "Oh the most popular guy in school is a man whore LET'S GET EM GIRLS despite our complete cliche differences!" So... like... this like.. plan is like.. SO ORIGINAL.


and who saves the day? OF COURSE, the underDOG. I emphasize on DOG for a reason. Jesus can you at least pick someone who looks female?

What's up with them having technology like the damn FBI in the film? Little cameras to attach to the bra? Is the government funding the downfall of John Tucker?

Why not just send him to Guantanamo Bay? I mean, obviously these girls got connections.

So.... this movie is supposed to be about 17/18 yr olds getting even with the high school man slut, but what really comes across is people desperately trying to remain young(they could only make it worse if they wore shirts like "You say 'Bitch' like it's a bad thing" or "Princess"), getting "even" with a guy from their "school" with completely unrealistic, IMPOSSIBLE ideas.

I hate Ashanti. I hate her so much I can't even say anything about her, because I won't stop.

Where was my bra cam with amazing video and sound when I was in 11th grade? Where was my slumber parties with the high school head cheerleader, the smart one.. and.. what was the last one? Just the slutty one? Well... sluttier. Because like... we connect over a guy like OMG. Where is my super awesome 18th birthday party where a thousand people show and I get two whores in a cake?

Oh that's right, that's not what happens in high school.

And John Tucker didn't even die. WTF?

on amazon.com, look at what the idiots are buying along with this piece of crap:


SUCK IT DRY 'JOHN TUCKER MUST DIE'




-gAk-

A Few Words About History Of Violence

OK so I finally got this movie last night after letting it sit on my dusty IKEA TV stand since late October. That's right. Late October. Thank Ceiling Human for Netflix.

Oh, boy. Part of me wishes I'd gotten to it right away, so the memory would be long forgotten. The other part of me rejoices in that I have such a delightful steaming turd of a movie to review for this site. On a side note, when I typed the word "turd", I noticed that the spelling "terd" triggers my spellcheck on Firefox. So, the official spelling of the word turd is definitely a "u". You should log that valuable tidbit away for later.

Now, to the heart of the movie. Viggo Mortenson stars as an infuriatingly calm small town man, who seems to be harboring a deeply violent past as a mob hitman. Sounds promising, doesn't it? Unfortunately, the film never strays far from this concept. The pacing flectuates wildly, making the plot unpredictable, but in a bad way. It keeps us guessing, but only as to the absurd angle they are going to dart towards next. The character motivations are incredibly confusing, and a sex scene that basically amounts to soft core rape porn pushes all boundaries of decency, even more than the autopsy-like closeups of gorey bullet wounds and pools of blood. (A better title for this movie would have been "for those who like violence".) The wife of our conflicted hero (played by Maria Bello) continually confuses and disturbs as she wanders at random between victim and enabler. Both of the sex scenes seem pointless and lengthy, and, like the gratuitous violence itself, used to pad out otherwise plotless movie. And don't even get me started on the mob boss who seems to have Down's Syndrome and allows Tom to single handedly take down every mob goon in existance. Yeah.

There's violence done well, and then there's violence done as an attempt to cover your ass when you don't have anything better. Its obvious which category this movie falls in to.

On a scale of one to ten, I rate this movie negative steaming pile of dog shit. Its a shame too, 'cause Viggo's face is so damn bootiful. Save your money and time and rent a real gangster movie. Goodfellas will do.

Amazon users who bought History Of Violence also bought:

Val Kilmer, please kill yourself

Batman Forever


Plastic nipples on the outside of their suits.

PLASTIC.


NIPPLE DECORATION.


Honestly, I tried sitting through this movie last night to do a detailed review, and I just could NOT sit through it. It's just so fucking BAD.




Here's what people on Amazon.com are buying along with their beloved copy of Batman Forever:



I don't think I need to say anything else.



-gAk-

Movies That Can Blow Me from 2008.

The following films suck so bad they don't even get a few review to themselves.


These are mostly just my thoughts.





Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of The Crystal Skull

Because you know Harrison Ford is so amazing he can survive a nuclear blast in a fucking refrigerator. Not to Mention Shia LeBeouf is in it, oh JOY. (Seriously will someone put that kid's head on a stick already? It's like, when I can't hate a movie enough, they say "Oh I know how to make this movie more annoying, lets hire that stupid prick from Even Stevens!!")





Wanted

Yeah, because bullets can so do that.

Proof that you put that woman in ANY movie people will fucking watch it. Example: Life or Something Like It, and Mr. & Mrs. Smith (fucking stupid movie.)




Hellboy II - The Golden Army

It's like a bad porn. A slow build up to a weak cum shot. You wait and wait for this Golden Army, which takes centuries to get to, and then when they get to it, it isn't even badass. It's fucking lame.




Cloverfield

I have to admit, I loved this movie at first, the beginning was a bit slow, but I can see why they did it. So I'm watching it, and liking it a lot, then, they get in the helicopter, and the monster attacks it and i think "SHIT YEAH AWESOME ENDING!" Then I realize, it's not the ending.

They survive the crash............ because THAT'S possible... and then for the rest of the film I feel like I'm being punched in slow motion.

I say, watch the movie, but after the helicopter scene, just turn it off.




The Happening

And I thought Signs was bad. Are you fucking kidding me? Wind that makes you commit suicide? At one point they are running... from the wind. Wind isn't scary M. Night.

At least I got a good lol.




The Strangers

Had potenial. When it got to the end, I got really annoyed, at least be a little enthusiatic when you kill them. They seemed bored. I'm sorry, but if I were them, and watching Liv Tyler and Scott Speedman be all mushy and crap, I'd start stabbing like crazy. Laughing the whole time. I'd just want to shut them up and play with their blood.





The Eye, Mirrors, Quarentine and any other foreign film remake.

Just stop.





Special shout out to The Uninvited for 2009, I fucking hate you. I haven't seen it, and I doubt I'll bother seeing it as it's a remake of one of my favorite Korean films, A Tale of Two Sisters. You're on the "Suck It" list regardless if I have watched you or not. You're an Asian remake, of course you'll suck. I've only seen a preview of the film and I can already tell that they've completely fucked up the storyline... and... Elizabeth Banks.... SERIOUSLY? How is anyone supposed to take this film seriously when most people will remember her pleasuring herself with a shower head in the 40 Year Old Virgin.





A full review coming soon, if you don't like it... get the fuck over it, I have a life.