My big fuckin' movie dump

Sorry I'm busy like... all the time.

But no worries, I am here to fill your bad movie needs.

Since it's been a while I've decided to review a few movies today that I have recently seen.

We'll start with Terminator Salvation



Now... I have a lot of mixed feelings about this film. It was better then Judgment Day for fucking sure, (is it me or did Nick Stahl just play the most pussy ass version of John Connor?) but it also is in this completely different category then the other films.

So lets start with the good shall we? (since I always love to save the best bits for last)

I was concerned when I heard they would have a young Kyle Reese, I mean I knew if they were to make more then the first three it was unavoidable... but he seemed to be just one of the really special characters from the original. He was probably my favorite, and I did not know who would be able to fill those shoes and actually not piss me off.... but holy crap, where did Anton Yelchin come from? Not only was I impressed, I ended up loving the character even MORE then I originally did.

I have seen the kid before, in Alpha Dog and Charlie Bartlett. I remember watching his final scene in Alpha Dog and thinking about how good of a actor he was and hoping I'd see him again in the future. And god damn it, thanks for not letting me down Anton!!! I look forward to finally watching Star Trek(I am such a procrastinator lol) because of this kid. I didn't even want to see it before.

Ok moving on, the terminators were badass. I even enjoyed the cg Arnold, it was only right they put him in there anyway.

I have to admit I chuckled when they made the bad terminator "I'll be back" joke.

I think Christian Bale did a good job even though he really wasn't in the film as much as I assumed he would be. (Some found a lot of issues with it, but I rather liked how they did that)

I love that Helena Boham Carter just showed up as the weird character as she does so often and SO fucking well.

Umm.... I understood why they did it the way they did, and the action sequences were a lot of fun.

Um... yeah I think that's it.

Now... onto the good stuff.

COMMON.





WHAT.

I have no real words. SO instead I am going to post a letter to Hollywood. A letter by my dear friend James.

"Dear Hollywood,

I will gladly pay you $12 to see musician Common brutally massacred in the next Terminator installment.

Please have him succumb to one of the following fates:

• Evisceration
• Draw and quartering
• Ground into paste
• Gutted like a fish
• Ripped in half
• Spine extraction through the stomach
• Multiple pulverizations starting at the feet and working upward
• Slow-motion Steamroll
• Terminator high five head clap
• All of the above (be creative)


Please do not use one of the following copout pieces of trash:

• Heart punch
• Thrown into metal wall multiple times
• Stepped on
• Shot
• Accidental dismemberment
• Accidental retardation
• Swine flu
• Radiation poisoning
• Cancer
• Electrocution

If by chance you cannot come up with a suitable way to pull off one of the aforementioned acceptable deaths, please consider creating a new breed of terminator dedicated to each death, and film a clip of all to be voted on by you’re viewing public.

Also, just an instant before his much anticipated demise, please include a cut off version of his catchphrase, “It’s beautiful”. A perfect execution of an acceptable death mid phrase is absolutely critical and must be viewed from several angles simultaneously in order to ensure that we, the viewing public, can be sure the character has been fired from life and the franchise forever."

James has spoken.

My biggest problem was Common.

That and I hate how it got you all pumped with action and then after that it was like.. non stop talking.


COMMON

I hated how Sam Worthington's character I kept mistaking for a professional wrestler the entire movie which made me forget what was going on.

COMMON

I hated that every time Christian Bale screamed all I could think of was his leaked freakout rant.

WHAT DON'T YOU FUCKING UNDERSTAND??? NO NO FUCK NO!"

Although I should be thankful, he at lease didn't do the Batman voice. Damn that voice is irritating. (Don't hate Batman lovers, I am a big fan of the comics and the films. I just find it funny when he talks like that no matter who it's to... even if it's Lucius or something who knows he is Bruce Wayne. Example: scene in TDK with the sonar screens... seriously wtf? He's just too into character I guess? Moving on.... another post for another day.)

I like how they at least got something done in the film, even though I am confused as to why there are so few machines at the final destination... seeing as it's a facility dedicated to building them. But I knew the entire battle could not be won in one movie, so I am glad they god something done. I just think if John Connor and Kyle Reese are there they should probably send more then one machine to each person...

I thought the ended was a little homo.... "Everyone deserves a second chance" Oh.. blah shut up. I'm surprised John Connor and Marcus didn't hold hands before surgery, and cried.

GAY

COMMON.

Why do the terminators have teeth? I mean really... it just seems unnecessary.... as do a lot of things in this movie.

LIKE COMMON.


Ugh.


Overall I'd say I did like the movie. I'd change some things but whatever.

Oh and make is rated R next time, I wanna hear some f-bombs.



Next post: DRAG ME TO HELL

-gAk-

Revenge Of The Nerds

Classic 80s film that ushered in the "nerds are cool" era. Completely cheesy. Ends with what basically amounts to rape (seriously girls, isn't that rape? Being tricked into having sex with someone you'd otherwise never have sex with?), and Timothy Busfield playing a wireless violin that seems to double as a Yamaha keyboard. Watch only if you want to understand more Family Guy jokes.

That's about all you need to know.

Too busy....

Too god damn busy killing off Twilight "stars" to update. (Also I have a killer sinus infection.)



Johnny Depp approves.

Star Trek

So, I just got a job at a movie theater. Which is most excellent because I am required to see every piece of crap movie that comes through there, NEW WRITING MATERIAL YAY!

Now I haven't seen Star Trek yet, but passing by the theater as the door opened while it was playing and hearing just the word, "CUPCAKE!" being screamed in a very serious tone, I can only assume it's chalk full of awesome...

So in honor of Star Trek, I give you this.



Until then, enjoy.

PS I AM GUEST BLOGGING ON http://www.winnersusedrugs.com THIS WEEK.

Zack And Miri Make A Porno

Few things before I start this review. 1, I'm a fan of Kevin Smith movies. I like his irreverent and insane sense of humor. But his character and plot development is weak. I like him, but that doesn't mean I won't scrutinize him. 2, when I sat down to watch this movie, I was far from being in the mood. My beloved cat Charlie died young and unexpectedly the day before I watched this movie. Yeah. I was not in the mood to be entertained, and I had my doubts that I'd be drawn in to the film. So I braced myself.

And to my surprise, I enjoyed it as much as anyone possibly could with their cat having died the day before.

A few complaints. This definitely falls under the "rom-com" category, but the "rom" part can be a little hard to believe. Seth Rogan's character Zack is so off beat and sex obsessed that his brief and not so smooth transition into lovesick fool rings a little insincere. Several jokes with Elizabeth Bank's character Miri would have worked much better if Elizabeth was not in fact gorgeous. And I'm sorry, the scene where all the actors pitch in to pay for the utility bill was just sloppily written, and a little *too* hard to believe.

But when Kevin Smith falls, Seth Rogen will catch him. This movie is hilarious, and while the material they were given is excellent, its Seth Rogan's performance that ties it all together. While he's spouting off his lines, you hear the typical Kevin Smith schtick hidden within, but Seth brings a breath of fresh air to the delivery. He makes it work and he makes it unique. That is no easy feat. Smith often writes his character's lines from the same perspective. Sure, there are exceptions (is anyone quite like Jay and Silent Bob?) but for the most part, it seems as though Smith has spent little time trying to write from the world view of a well thought out character. What we wind up with is a litany of carbon copy neurotic losers who act as a mere vehicle for Kevin Smith's inner rants.

Luckily, Seth completely compensates in this area. He makes the movie well worth watching.

Jason Mewes was delightful and I liked seeing the depths he can go to now that he's sober. It wasn't an Oscar worthy performance (or role for that matter) but it was enjoyable and reminded me that he is in fact talented. Craig Robinson (who seems to be playing the token black dude a lot lately) actually *gasp* plays a slightly different personality for once. A cameo from Tisha Campbell-Martin as his wife was both hilarious and terrifying.

I'm not fond of Elizabeth Banks, and as I said, a lot of the jokes and the story would have made more sense if she wasn't so pretty. But she was competent in this film, and managed to bring a spark of individuality that most Kevin Smith heroines aren't given a chance to develop (for instance, Rosario Dawson's in Clerks 2 felt stale and uninspired, and I often wondered if Smith had given a single thought to character motivation when he wrote her.)

Over all I give this film at least a solid B plus. This is the best Kevin Smith movie since....well, at least Dogma.

Dragonball Evolution

"The legend comes to life"

THEN THEY FUCKING KILLED IT!!!







Ok, so I decided since I've been on a Dragonball/DBZ/DBGT kick for the past few weeks, I'd check out this film. I've been a HUGE fan of the manga and anime since I was a kid.

Now, I went in with somewhat low expectations.

But... dear fucking god, it was even worse then I expected!

Ok, so to start, the things I didn't hate(since it's a very short list).

Piccolo's voice was pretty much spot on, and he looked somewhat like I imagined a real life version of him would look.
Yamcha's voice, also SPOT ON.

uhhh....
Goku seemed like Goku in two short parts of the film, once where he is stuffing his face(as he tends to do in the series) and then when he is taunting some kids fighting him.

Master Roshi was still kinda the pervy Master Roshi we all know.

That's... it.



The rest made me so angry I don't even know where to begin.
Bulma was a "badass" WHAT THE FUCK. Bulma is supposed to bitch and moan the whole time. She's not badass, she's supposed to be annoying. She doesn't fight, she screams and runs.
Yamcha is supposed to be afraid of girls... not smooth... and not... blonde.
Who the FUCK is that chick supposed to be with Piccolo?
There is virtually no action and when there is it's like the director REALLLLLLY wanted to be Zack Snyder and failed terribly.
Goku does not meet Chi Chi in high school and WTF why is she so nice?! Where is the stubborn Chi Chi we all know and love?!?!?
Did these people who made the film even attempt to read the manga or watch the series?!
HOW does Goku transform without his tail.
Why does Piccolo have control over him when he transforms?
Why does he transform at an eclipse and not a full moon?
why do the dragonballs show him the future?
Why is this movie only an hour and 20 minutes? You know what that is in DB time? Shit if it were realistic, they'd be powering up the whole time.
Why does Goku and his grandfather Gohan know about the Nameks? And why are they all concidered evil? Piccolo and Kami don't find out who they are and where they come from until the Vegeta saga in Z, and Nameks are peaceful!!!!!!


There is no character development.
What the fuck happens to Piccolo.
THE DRAGON IS SUPPOSED TO FILL UP THE SKY, MAKE IT GO BLACK, AND BE FUCKING BADASS.
Not this dinky little lame ass thing.








There'smore.


A lot more.

But fuck it. I'm done, I just wanna wash my brain out with some bleach.





In fact, I'd rather stare at this for an hour and 20 minutes:



-gAk-

You all OWE me for sitting through this shitpile.

and yes, there are spoilers, get the fuck over it.





Jesus fucking Christ. That was the longest two hours I've ever spent having to sit through the equivalent of watching a dog poo in slow motion.

So, Twilight comes out tomorrow on Dvd and BluRay, and I am here to tell you, please god, do not waste your money just to watch the thoughts of a lonely, possibly fat, girl from a small town expressing that the only reason the most popular guy in high school didn't like her is because he had to be a vampire... not because ya know... she's disgusting and from FORKS WAHINGTON.

Let me tell you all something about Forks, Washington. I grew up in the town next to it, in Port Angeles(which also makes an apperence in the film) and the way it has been protrayed in this film, is NOTHING like the actual place.

The father of Bella in the film was about the closest thing to someone resembling someone from Forks, Washington(just need some more mullet and incest).

Here's what Bella would actually look like driven in a fantasy world of vampires:

(actual photo of a Forks resident)

...and Edward?

Well... a flannel and a fucking rat tail. Omg wouldn't it be so fucking funny if he had one? GOD. "Let's go for a Vampire ride on my back and I can feel the wind flowing through my rat tail as it brushes into your face." HOT. He'd probably wear sneakers and sweat pants and always smelled like pee.

He's probably always have dirt on his face.

The reality of it is, Forks is a place of flannels, Rainer beer(which they did seem to get that right in the film) driving shitty cars with confederate flags...



and there ARE NO ASIANS OR BLACKS.

I'm not racist, the city of Forks is, don't believe me? Visit there with a person of "color" and see how well you get treated.

I dated a guy once, and he had moved to my city and every time I asked him where he was from, he'd dodge the question.... eventually he told me he was from Forks. You know what I did?

I dumped him.





So.... trying to get past the fact that they tried to glamour up a hick town (and btw, every year Forks has prom in a barn. No I am not fucking kidding.), I continued to watch the film...

Both of these actors have the same acting range as Keanu Reeves.
In fact, if Keanu played as Edward and opposite himself in a wig as Bella, I guarantee this film would kick a lot more ass. HAHAHA

I quickly found numerous other problems. Such as, I am convinced the chick who played Bella(and wtf is up with her under bite.... it scared me), is a man. And I am also convinced that Edward likes it when she puts it in his butt.



Let's go for a Vampire ride... awwwwww yeahhhhhh.


Another issue I can't seem to ignore, why is it that it constantly looks like EVERYONE in the film is jizzing in their pants?




The plot was weak... and instead of vampires burning in the sunlight, on really nice days they get glittery skin.... I fucking rolled when he was covered in glitter all serious like, "This is what I am, this is the skin of a killer" LAWLZ!!!!! Or the skin of someone FABULOUS!!!!


That's it, the big secret skin. HA.

"It's like diamonds!" BLING BLING MUTHAFUCKA.


God then some other gay ass vampire want to drink her blood or whatever and Edward is all "I have to protect you" because the writer probably thought that the reason guys never touched her growing up was because they were practicing "self control and respect" when in reality that bitch had crabs.

I dunno, the day is saved and he controls himself by not drinking all her blood or some shit. At this point I was just begging for the credits to roll.

I guess if you're a 13 yr old girl pushing 250 lbs and dreaming of vampires and renaissance fairs, this book/movie is totally for you. If you're not a moron, you'll know to stay as far away as possible from this crap.

Oh man I just threw up a little in my mouth.

Don't do it. Just don't. Save yourself.


Wanna watch a GOOD vampire flick? Check out,"Let The Right One In." Now THAT is a good movie.


-gAk-