Zack And Miri Make A Porno

Few things before I start this review. 1, I'm a fan of Kevin Smith movies. I like his irreverent and insane sense of humor. But his character and plot development is weak. I like him, but that doesn't mean I won't scrutinize him. 2, when I sat down to watch this movie, I was far from being in the mood. My beloved cat Charlie died young and unexpectedly the day before I watched this movie. Yeah. I was not in the mood to be entertained, and I had my doubts that I'd be drawn in to the film. So I braced myself.

And to my surprise, I enjoyed it as much as anyone possibly could with their cat having died the day before.

A few complaints. This definitely falls under the "rom-com" category, but the "rom" part can be a little hard to believe. Seth Rogan's character Zack is so off beat and sex obsessed that his brief and not so smooth transition into lovesick fool rings a little insincere. Several jokes with Elizabeth Bank's character Miri would have worked much better if Elizabeth was not in fact gorgeous. And I'm sorry, the scene where all the actors pitch in to pay for the utility bill was just sloppily written, and a little *too* hard to believe.

But when Kevin Smith falls, Seth Rogen will catch him. This movie is hilarious, and while the material they were given is excellent, its Seth Rogan's performance that ties it all together. While he's spouting off his lines, you hear the typical Kevin Smith schtick hidden within, but Seth brings a breath of fresh air to the delivery. He makes it work and he makes it unique. That is no easy feat. Smith often writes his character's lines from the same perspective. Sure, there are exceptions (is anyone quite like Jay and Silent Bob?) but for the most part, it seems as though Smith has spent little time trying to write from the world view of a well thought out character. What we wind up with is a litany of carbon copy neurotic losers who act as a mere vehicle for Kevin Smith's inner rants.

Luckily, Seth completely compensates in this area. He makes the movie well worth watching.

Jason Mewes was delightful and I liked seeing the depths he can go to now that he's sober. It wasn't an Oscar worthy performance (or role for that matter) but it was enjoyable and reminded me that he is in fact talented. Craig Robinson (who seems to be playing the token black dude a lot lately) actually *gasp* plays a slightly different personality for once. A cameo from Tisha Campbell-Martin as his wife was both hilarious and terrifying.

I'm not fond of Elizabeth Banks, and as I said, a lot of the jokes and the story would have made more sense if she wasn't so pretty. But she was competent in this film, and managed to bring a spark of individuality that most Kevin Smith heroines aren't given a chance to develop (for instance, Rosario Dawson's in Clerks 2 felt stale and uninspired, and I often wondered if Smith had given a single thought to character motivation when he wrote her.)

Over all I give this film at least a solid B plus. This is the best Kevin Smith movie since....well, at least Dogma.

Dragonball Evolution

"The legend comes to life"

THEN THEY FUCKING KILLED IT!!!







Ok, so I decided since I've been on a Dragonball/DBZ/DBGT kick for the past few weeks, I'd check out this film. I've been a HUGE fan of the manga and anime since I was a kid.

Now, I went in with somewhat low expectations.

But... dear fucking god, it was even worse then I expected!

Ok, so to start, the things I didn't hate(since it's a very short list).

Piccolo's voice was pretty much spot on, and he looked somewhat like I imagined a real life version of him would look.
Yamcha's voice, also SPOT ON.

uhhh....
Goku seemed like Goku in two short parts of the film, once where he is stuffing his face(as he tends to do in the series) and then when he is taunting some kids fighting him.

Master Roshi was still kinda the pervy Master Roshi we all know.

That's... it.



The rest made me so angry I don't even know where to begin.
Bulma was a "badass" WHAT THE FUCK. Bulma is supposed to bitch and moan the whole time. She's not badass, she's supposed to be annoying. She doesn't fight, she screams and runs.
Yamcha is supposed to be afraid of girls... not smooth... and not... blonde.
Who the FUCK is that chick supposed to be with Piccolo?
There is virtually no action and when there is it's like the director REALLLLLLY wanted to be Zack Snyder and failed terribly.
Goku does not meet Chi Chi in high school and WTF why is she so nice?! Where is the stubborn Chi Chi we all know and love?!?!?
Did these people who made the film even attempt to read the manga or watch the series?!
HOW does Goku transform without his tail.
Why does Piccolo have control over him when he transforms?
Why does he transform at an eclipse and not a full moon?
why do the dragonballs show him the future?
Why is this movie only an hour and 20 minutes? You know what that is in DB time? Shit if it were realistic, they'd be powering up the whole time.
Why does Goku and his grandfather Gohan know about the Nameks? And why are they all concidered evil? Piccolo and Kami don't find out who they are and where they come from until the Vegeta saga in Z, and Nameks are peaceful!!!!!!


There is no character development.
What the fuck happens to Piccolo.
THE DRAGON IS SUPPOSED TO FILL UP THE SKY, MAKE IT GO BLACK, AND BE FUCKING BADASS.
Not this dinky little lame ass thing.








There'smore.


A lot more.

But fuck it. I'm done, I just wanna wash my brain out with some bleach.





In fact, I'd rather stare at this for an hour and 20 minutes:



-gAk-

You all OWE me for sitting through this shitpile.

and yes, there are spoilers, get the fuck over it.





Jesus fucking Christ. That was the longest two hours I've ever spent having to sit through the equivalent of watching a dog poo in slow motion.

So, Twilight comes out tomorrow on Dvd and BluRay, and I am here to tell you, please god, do not waste your money just to watch the thoughts of a lonely, possibly fat, girl from a small town expressing that the only reason the most popular guy in high school didn't like her is because he had to be a vampire... not because ya know... she's disgusting and from FORKS WAHINGTON.

Let me tell you all something about Forks, Washington. I grew up in the town next to it, in Port Angeles(which also makes an apperence in the film) and the way it has been protrayed in this film, is NOTHING like the actual place.

The father of Bella in the film was about the closest thing to someone resembling someone from Forks, Washington(just need some more mullet and incest).

Here's what Bella would actually look like driven in a fantasy world of vampires:

(actual photo of a Forks resident)

...and Edward?

Well... a flannel and a fucking rat tail. Omg wouldn't it be so fucking funny if he had one? GOD. "Let's go for a Vampire ride on my back and I can feel the wind flowing through my rat tail as it brushes into your face." HOT. He'd probably wear sneakers and sweat pants and always smelled like pee.

He's probably always have dirt on his face.

The reality of it is, Forks is a place of flannels, Rainer beer(which they did seem to get that right in the film) driving shitty cars with confederate flags...



and there ARE NO ASIANS OR BLACKS.

I'm not racist, the city of Forks is, don't believe me? Visit there with a person of "color" and see how well you get treated.

I dated a guy once, and he had moved to my city and every time I asked him where he was from, he'd dodge the question.... eventually he told me he was from Forks. You know what I did?

I dumped him.





So.... trying to get past the fact that they tried to glamour up a hick town (and btw, every year Forks has prom in a barn. No I am not fucking kidding.), I continued to watch the film...

Both of these actors have the same acting range as Keanu Reeves.
In fact, if Keanu played as Edward and opposite himself in a wig as Bella, I guarantee this film would kick a lot more ass. HAHAHA

I quickly found numerous other problems. Such as, I am convinced the chick who played Bella(and wtf is up with her under bite.... it scared me), is a man. And I am also convinced that Edward likes it when she puts it in his butt.



Let's go for a Vampire ride... awwwwww yeahhhhhh.


Another issue I can't seem to ignore, why is it that it constantly looks like EVERYONE in the film is jizzing in their pants?




The plot was weak... and instead of vampires burning in the sunlight, on really nice days they get glittery skin.... I fucking rolled when he was covered in glitter all serious like, "This is what I am, this is the skin of a killer" LAWLZ!!!!! Or the skin of someone FABULOUS!!!!


That's it, the big secret skin. HA.

"It's like diamonds!" BLING BLING MUTHAFUCKA.


God then some other gay ass vampire want to drink her blood or whatever and Edward is all "I have to protect you" because the writer probably thought that the reason guys never touched her growing up was because they were practicing "self control and respect" when in reality that bitch had crabs.

I dunno, the day is saved and he controls himself by not drinking all her blood or some shit. At this point I was just begging for the credits to roll.

I guess if you're a 13 yr old girl pushing 250 lbs and dreaming of vampires and renaissance fairs, this book/movie is totally for you. If you're not a moron, you'll know to stay as far away as possible from this crap.

Oh man I just threw up a little in my mouth.

Don't do it. Just don't. Save yourself.


Wanna watch a GOOD vampire flick? Check out,"Let The Right One In." Now THAT is a good movie.


-gAk-

Ugh...

Remembering to update this thing has been a royal pain lately. I just am waiting to come across something horrible as apposed to watching something I know will completely fail. But life seems so much more important.

I've been debating sitting through Twilight, because I think I might have WAY too much fun making fun of that movie. Yeah, why not, fuck it, I'm going to download it because I'd never spend a dollar on that shit and watch it and let you all know what I think, besides the book takes place and was filmed in a town right by where I grew up... too much fun.

Hmmm...

So, hey kids. I wanna say sorry for the complete lack of updates, but you see, I have a 5 month old baby. So cut me some slack.

But today I am writing simply out of a debate going on in my head.


Russell Brand has a special coming on Comedy Central. And I know if I watch it, it'll be a for sure suck fest, and I'd have something to write about... BUT, do I really wanna sit through the comedy antics of RUSSELL BRAND? The preview pisses me off, I can't imagine the special will be any better. "Oh I am so fucking cool and funny and edgy cuz I read my hate mail on stage and call it comedy... "

Fuck Russell Brand, ugh.

So.... do I sit down, and torture myself for the good of anyone wondering if it's good? Or do I not bother because if you have to question if Russell Brand sucks or not, I don't want you reading this page either.

....


riddle me that fuckers.





-gAk-

The Heartbreak Kid Sucked

Yeah, a big ole suck fest. I can sum it up in a mere few sentences:

OMG antics! Ben Stiller is doin' antics! I love antics. With the funny faces and the arm flailing, you know? Let's all go to Ben Stiller's latest movie where he does another round of those ANTICS!

Hee hee, bachelors with relationship issues are funny.

You can hear Jerry Stiller thinking, "Must. Put new spin. On. My. Only Role."

Malin Akerman continues to prove that she'll do anything *anything* anything to get the part. Itty Bitty Titty Committee upper waist shots abound.

Donkey shows: rarely funny. Upping the ante by showing a mounting donkey with a boner: desperate and not funny at all. Pretending the lead female has had sex with a donkey: so desperate, I can see those wavy lines emanating like the mirage of water on a hot summer day. Even the donkey was rolling his eyes at that shit.

Conclusion: few laughs. Ben Stiller plays the same old hapless neurotic who is difficult to empathize with. The premise is cruel and boring. Miranda, played by Michelle Monaghan, is delightful, but we never see enough of her to truly fall for her charm. Her family is equally lovable, but the film never fully utilizes the potential of the characters. All in all, it was a good lesson in mediocrity.

WINNERSUSEDRUGSREADERS LOOK OVER HERE!!!

My sister is out of town or some shit so I can't tell her suggestions about funny shit to post.


So I'm just gonna post it on here. I do what I waaaant.

Ohhhh... Christian Bale. Christian. Christian. Christian.

Such a princess.... Christian Bale.

So TMZ recorded Christian freaking the fuck out on a DP for walking into the shot while checking a light. I'm sure you readers are somewhat aware of this... listening to the clip of him screaming at this guy is both hilarious and scary. I guess they recorded it so they can send it to the insurance company if he decides to leave the film. But while this may be slightly interesting.... I really just wanted to post a video.... of a remix of his screaming in a techno dance song.



Don't you just wanna DANCE?!?!?


IT'S FUCKING DISTRACTING!! OHHHH GOOD.

NOOO NO FUCK NOOO!!




I can die happy now.



-gAk-