So lately I've been super bored, haven't been able to write as much because my shitty as all fuck wireless keyboard. I've taken to working on various crafting projects while letting really bad movies drone on in the background. And lucky you, I will now review such a movie for you.
I don't think I could have possibly chosen a more nauseating movie to review, honestly. There are dumpsters that are more appealing than this movie. Port a potties. Maggots. All of these I much prefer to Made Of Honor.
A direct gender reversed My Best Friend's Wedding, Made Of Honor presents to us Hannah and Tom, two platonic best friends of a decade.
After a particularly unfunny "how we met" introduction, we open on Tom, Patrick Dempsey's completely unsympathetic character, leaving another one of his vapid blonde happy time Sallys. Is she a prostitute? Merely a regular "girlfriend" that allows herself to be patronized like one? Its unclear. What IS clear is that Tom, the millionaire and perpetual horndog, is *gasp* EMOTIONALLY DISTANT. Cue violins. Gee, I bet the woman he ultimately falls in love with will be brunette and take none of his crap!
We're hustled along to his father's wedding, to which he's invited Hannah, (played by Michelle Monaghan). Ole Daddy is on his seventh, no sixth! wedding. And to a BIMBO! An alcoholic one at that! OMG LULZ she's still signing the prenup in the limo, and negotiating how many BJs a month! What a poignant comment on the farce that American marriages have become. We watch and cringe as Alcoholic Bimbette #6 demands that Tom "treat him like a real mom". The humanity! Its enough to make Tom and Hannah just wanna bond over some cake. OMG look at them play fight with their forks! They have chemistry!
20 minutes into the movie, it becomes clear that they want you to adore Tom. He's just so nice. A little charming. What's not to like? Actually I struggle to find what IS to like. He's rich, but treats women little better than prostitutes...but I guess since he has a soft voice, and a nice smile, we're supposed to sympathize with his commitment phobia, applaud his "I only call once a week" standards, and laugh when he says Hannah is an I Love You slut? Please.
The movie continues as Tom goes about business as usual, hanging with buddies and playing basketball while celebrating his sex 'em and leave 'em lifestyle. He expresses relief that "he still has Hannah", no matter how many meaningless dalliances he racks up. Among his b-ball buddies is a bonafied nerd--see, he's not a snob! What a guy. Another friend, the Token Black, opines that his "get the sex from the bimbos, and emotional fulfillment from Hannah" philosophy is unfair. To whom? To Hannah. Because of course a woman with a meaningful friendship with a person of the opposite sex just *has* to get a romantic relationship out of it. There's no way that having vapid emotionless sex could be cheating TOM at all. No way.
As the story meanders along, he again romances another blond bimbette (or is it the same one? I can't tell). We begin to see the first inklings that maybe, just maybe he's starting to "figure it out". Oh no! She isn't as creative or coordinated as Hannah! How tedious. What a waste of that fake blond hair and plastic boobs.
Oh now he's eating cake! The very same flavors of cake he and Hannah playfully fought over at the wedding! Gosh he must be suffering inside.
Apparently, the cake is magic cake, 'cause Tom has suddenly realized that his life is shallow and empty with all that meaningless sex. He might LOVE Hannah. And its time to tell her! He picks a time and sets the wheels in motion, certain that Hannah will say "Why, of course I'm ready to be taken off the back burner!" and they'll live happily ever after.
Of course, the opportunity to tell her turns into the "meet my new fiance!" dinner, all very out of the blue. For being such close friends, its amazing that he hadn't a clue what she was going to tell him, whirlwind romance or no. And of course, the premise of the film (and I use that term loosely): Hannah wants Tom to be the MOH. Yes, MOH. They actually keep calling it that in the movie. As in Mo. Yeah. I know its dumb. Tell that to them.
Hannah's bridesmaids of course feel awkward about the arrangement, especially would-be MOH, Melissa, a past conquest gone bad. A few "you're a misogynist" and "you're a man" barbs get thrown back and forth, while Tom questions the "fat girl's" Master Cleanse diet (as if that will redeem him in the viewer's eyes he just offended by calling a former lover a man). We're not buying it, Tom. You're not the type of guy that even blinks when an overweight girl goes on a liquid diet. In fact, Tom would seem like the type to encourage it if his bed fellows are any indication.
Tom decides what he needs at the moment is more basketball with the token nerd, token black guy, and traditional "he's just as good looking as me" guy. Only this time Colin, Hannah's new fiance, has joined them! That's not awkward at all! A dick comparison shower scene ensues, but without showing any of the goods. Disappointment abounds. Between Colin's humongo gigantadick and the oh so casually dropped detail that Colin is a Scottish Duke, we're meant to understand that he is a formidable foe.
Moving on, Hannah has to travel to Scotland to work out some wedding arrangements. Since Colin's family is royalty, its not so easy to just up and get married to some American commoner. Tom accompanies her as a good MOH should. Of course, as Hannah meets with the priest, Tom takes the opportunity to demonstrate how much better he knows Hannah than Hannah knows Colin. Sadly, it seems to work on Hannah, who seems touched.
Back home, as Tom is saddled with making baskets for the bridal shower (which he, as the MOH, has completely planned), he recruits his friends to help...because we all know how easy it is to make your male friends join you in ribbon curling. Tom must be a really thoughtful and caring guy to do that, right? The lone dissenter, bemoaning his sperm count, is supposed to make the scene more feasible, but it fails massively. The bridal shower isn't much better, as the fat girl's liquid diet and Tom's "fornicating" become comedy fodder. Melissa, still angry with Tom, sabotages some of the arrangements and Hannah blows up at Tom after a dildo saleswoman stuns and embarrasses most of the party. How they managed to make a scene with a dildo saleswoman (and one played by Mary Birdsong at that) completely unfunny, I'll never understand.
Frustrated with being unceremoniously fired thanks to Melissa's meddling, Tom goes into MOH boot camp, which seems incongruous with his determination to steal her from Colin. Does he want to give her the best wedding, only to replace the groom? We don't get to find out. We're too busy watching Melissa and Tom pick out china patterns while he tries to prove he's a "changed man" (and not you know, a man changed temporarily in order to get what he wants). His peeping on her in the dressing room as she tries on lingerie reveals he's still the same old scumdog. "Made of honor", indeed.
A post-shopping stroll has Hannah revealing to Tom that she will be moving to Scotland directly after the wedding. Again we're left to ask, if they're so close then how come she hasn't been forthcoming with every detail? Even worse, we're still supposed to sympathize with this rich playboy who seeks to rip his best friend away from a well-hung Scottish duke who makes her happy, all to reclaim what he so clearly thinks belongs to him. Is this honor?
Tom decides to go cry on Daddy's shoulder, having a heartfelt, whiskey fueled talk in which, of course, Daddy dearest admits that the only woman he ever loved, the woman Who Got Away and Made Him The Way He Is, was Tom's mother. Without missing a beat, he then announces his divorce. Boy that sure lightened up the scene!
The wedding party arrives in Scotland. Tom is feeling emasculated at every turn, as Colin's money and family estate are cause for embarrassment in comparison to his...good looks and millions of dollars. Huh. Colin's family thinks Tom is gay. Hannah seems hesitant about her hair do and wedding sash. Colin and Tom go head to head in various feats of strength. Lots of kilts, but no penises or kilt checks. Tom does destroy a beautiful vintage car though. Oh the lulz.
As the day wears on, Hannah finds herself not adjusting well to Colin's family traditions, his love of hunting and...UH OH! He won't share his cake! But Tom always shares HIS cake! WTF?!???!!! She's definitely supposed to be with Tom. He takes Hannah on a stroll the next morning to tell her how he feels, which Hannah mistakes for an attempt at helping her with her vows. Later, a contrived opportunity for a kiss finds our twosome suddenly making out in a pub.
That night, a very drunk Melissa shows up at Tom's door and more or less starts to rape him. This is our "terrible misunderstanding" scene. Hannah of course sees what's going on and runs off, horribly upset that a platonic friend she's not engaged to was possibly messing around with someone else. Through a closed door, they finally have the talk they were meant to have. Hannah strikes some of the biggest chords in the movie as she says what the viewer knows already is true: he waited too long, he isn't trustworthy, and he's only doing this because he's afraid of losing her. Tom of course "can't deal" and does some of his own running off the next morning.
Luckily, a border collie convinces him to go back at the last second to make one last stab at ruining Hannah's entire life. A stolen horse, a few impossible jumps, and a "How the hell would that man not get thrown?"s later, he successfully arrives at the church. Thrown off the horse finally, as it were. Headfirst. Through the church doors. After being roused from his concussion by Hannah, he finally makes his big speech, as Colin's family and friends inexplicably look on without so much as a peep. Colin cries as Hannah returns his ring. Again, we're left to wonder how the nice, rich, Scottish, well hung duke is somehow not perfect for Hannah, but the shallow inconsiderable playboy is. Oh wait I forgot. They have cute fights over cake. Colin gets in one good punch to Tom's kisser. Probably my favorite part of the movie. The ending is as predictable as they come, I won't even bother typing it out.
All in all, it was pretty contrived and the dialogue was uninteresting, though I do give them props for using the beautiful Scottish countryside to their advantage. The movie was also well edited, which seems pathetic when you consider its one of the only well executed things about the entire movie.
Made of Honor= made of crap.
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